How You Get to Taiwanese Style Approval Ratings ...and How You Recover

You'll remember that in an earlier post I discussed our Glorious Leader, Brian Cowen, putting the economic crisis on hold for a little while and travelling to Mayo in order to open a vitally important GP clinic. You will also remember that I was totally in favour of this, as the Taoiseach is required by law to support small businesses (which is what a GP clinic is, after all) that are subsidised by taxpayer-backed payment schemes (hellooo medical cards!), even if it is to the detriment of minor things like the 435,000 unemployed or the continuing collapse of our economy.

Thankfully, while Brian was in Mayo it wasn't all work, as he did have time to relax in the exclusive Mount Falcon resort (under the consitution, the Taoiseach and Ministers can only stay in accommodation to which the word "exclusive" is attached) and while there, according to Broadsheet.ie:

He started drinking at 4.30pm in Keane’s with Dara Calleary, Fianna Fail junior minister, and went on to a private room in the hotel with some “cronies”. Before retiring at 5am ... Two members of staff had to “link him with both arms to lift him up the stairs to his room”.

Clearly, the Mighty Biff's plan to manfully challenge the recession to a drinking contest is working, as Ireland is now on the frontpage of the Wall Street Journal, the poster child of good economic management...
 

Eh, sorry, no, that's actually a negative story, isn't it?

Unsurprisingly, yesterday's poll by Millward Browne Lansdowne for TV3 showed that, despite Brian's heroic carousing, the public are distinctly unimpressed with his record, with only 11% of respondents satisfied with the government, and only 18% approving of the Taoiseach.

However, Brian need not despair. Such poll ratings are, for me, reminiscent of the sort of approval that former Taiwanese President Chen Shui Bian received in both his first and second term in office. The lesson from another small island nation is clear, Mr. Cowen. All you need to do to rebound from this position of weakness, and for Fianna Fail to win the next election is to...

Be the target of a staged attempted assasination (althought I must point out that the allegation that attack was a mock-up was never proven).

And all you need to do is douse yourself in ketchup for the afternoon, while someone (who witnesses can claim looks a lot like Morgan Kelly) fires blank cartridges at you from a toy gun. Such a bold move, Mr. Cowen, such a tough decision, as to stage a pretend attempt on your own life will see you rise in the polls, crusining to victory, safe in the knowledge that you can piss everyone off again in your second term in office.

Plus, as a bonus, our Dail debates might start to look more like this:

Biffo - Man of Action

The 17th of July 2010 - one week into the Dail summer recess, and the country is slowly drifting into disaster. The banking crisis is continuing to eat away at Ireland's credibility, Senator Ivor Callely is giving the fingers to the Irish public, and, in yet another small sign of how screwed Ireland truly is, Zurich Insurance announces it has set aside €256 million to meet potential losses arising from its commercial property loans in Britain and Ireland.

Where, you might wonder, were our dear leaders at this time, on this exact day? Was Biffo and the other superheroes in the League of Incompetency making the most of the break from the daily business of the legislature, using this space and time to draw up a world-beating plan of action to put Ireland back on the road to economic growth? Was Biffo on the phone to Sarko or Angela, begging for more money, "just a little more time, I swear Ireland is good for it, I swear!"? Was he, in a last roll of the dice to save Ireland's skin, invoking the Almighty with a whirlwind pilgrimage to Knock, Mecca, the Western Wall and Mount Kailash?

No.

He was opening a GP clinic in Belmullet, Co. Mayo.

FFS.

I have spent much time near Belmullet: my own family hails from near there, and I think much of the area, Erris. It is a beautiful destination, an ideal location for a relaxing break. But, much though I love it, Belmullet does not require a Head of Government to open its local GP Practice.

What's truly galling is that, at a time when the country was falling apart, Brian Cowen didn't even have the good grace to goof off and go on holidays. No, he took what he probably, laughably, believed was a "working holiday". He prioritised the needs of a single local area, no doubt to support a local FF candidate, over the demands of the nation. He thinks this is his job, to travel around the country, opening small businesses (which is what a GP practice is, remember), and shaking hands with the locals.

Mr.Cowen, that is not your job. Your job is running the country. Might I suggest you do it.

And if you have the time to open GP clinics, or off-licences, or pubs during your holidays, then you are obviously not working hard enough during the rest of the year.