Friday, September 10, 2010

Meet the New Owners - Part 3: The IMF

They only come out at night - they fear the sun. With their pale, tiny eyes, bloodless pallor and eerily glowing calculators, they strike fear into the hearts of small countries everywhere. Over the centuries they have gone by many names - dragula ... nosferatu ... the accounting dead. Today, however, they have a new name, hideous to behold and only whispered by the good people of Ireland...

The International Monetary Fund!

IMF Headquarters in Washington, D.C.

Like its closest relation, the vampyr, the IMF must be invited in by its victim. Having tricked its prey into lowering their defences, the IMF then attacks the softest, weakest part of its work force - the public sector. In an exclusive for this blog, I can secretly reveal the IMF's plan for Ireland should it ever be given access to our economy:
  1. Public transport in Dublin will be replaced entirely by donkeys for hire. For commuters outside Dublin, Park and Ass facilities will be provided.
  2. The Gardai will be fired, to be replaced entirely by a new force of leather-clad Germans, all called Gunther.
  3. All teachers will be shot, to save on costs. The largest, most prematurely mature student in each class will be designated "Educational Operative 1" and will be charged with the teaching of their classmates, using as much violence and petty bullying as possible. Should they fail, "Educational Operative 1" will be shot, and "Educational Operative 2" will be selected, and so on, until the class is dead, thereby providing further savings for the Irish economy.
  4. Hospitals will double as abbatoirs. No reason.
  5. In an entirely unrelated note, Soylent Green will be the only foodstuff available in Irish shops.
  6. 45% of the Irish population will be conscripted for work in the Wateford Crystal mines. That's right, Waterford Crystal comes from mines.
  7. The shortest, stockiest, most ginger section of the Irish population will be selected for genetic experiments to produce an actual race of Leprechauns, thereby encouraging more American tourists to visit the country.
  8. In an effort to boost the flagging economy around Shannon airport, half the facility will be sold to the US military for troop transport/ rendition flights. However, in an effort to be fair, and in a rare IMF concession to Ireland's politically self-righteous credentials, the other half of the airfield will be sold to Iran, so that they can strike back at the imperialist pig-dogs in the US with their mighty drone! 
The IMF's Overlord for Ireland - Willem Dafoe
The above will be the result of the current path we are on. Fianna Fail's economic plan is to keep kicking the economic ball into touch every few months, hoping that by the time that it is widely recognised that our economy is FUBARed, they will be out of office. By doing so, they are only increasing the likelihood that the IMF will be brought in, or at the very least, the ECB will take over the running of the country. While the IMF may not engage in all (or indeed, any) of the steps outlined above, we can't rule any of them out! More importantly, however, is the shame we should feel that this Republic, which for so long struggled for independence, is now faced with the prospect of becoming an economic colony yet again - not through the greed or hunger of an external power, but rather through our own incompetence in running our economy. Will the Republican Party ensure the end of Irish independence? Man up, Fianna Fail; cut if you need to cut, tax if you need to tax. Don't leave it to foreigners - if you screwed up, take the political implications on the chin. But whatever happens, don't let this Republic, tiny though it may be, fade from the pages of history.

Vader used to be with the IMF - but he couldn't stomach the cruelty


  1. The concluding sentence is Lincolnian!

  2. I love this series. Well, I don't like that Ireland is living through it, but it's at least amusing to read.