Meet the New Owners - Part 3: The IMF

They only come out at night - they fear the sun. With their pale, tiny eyes, bloodless pallor and eerily glowing calculators, they strike fear into the hearts of small countries everywhere. Over the centuries they have gone by many names - dragula ... nosferatu ... the accounting dead. Today, however, they have a new name, hideous to behold and only whispered by the good people of Ireland...

The International Monetary Fund!

IMF Headquarters in Washington, D.C.

Like its closest relation, the vampyr, the IMF must be invited in by its victim. Having tricked its prey into lowering their defences, the IMF then attacks the softest, weakest part of its work force - the public sector. In an exclusive for this blog, I can secretly reveal the IMF's plan for Ireland should it ever be given access to our economy:

1. Public transport in Dublin will be replaced entirely by donkeys for hire. For commuters outside Dublin, Park and Ass facilities will be provided.
2. The Gardai will be fired, to be replaced entirely by a new force of leather-clad Germans, all called Gunther.
3. All teachers will be shot, to save on costs. The largest, most prematurely mature student in each class will be designated "Educational Operative 1" and will be charged with the teaching of their classmates, using as much violence and petty bullying as possible. Should they fail, "Educational Operative 1" will be shot, and "Educational Operative 2" will be selected, and so on, until the class is dead, thereby providing further savings for the Irish economy.
4. Hospitals will double as abbatoirs. No reason.
5. In an entirely unrelated note, Soylent Green will be the only foodstuff available in Irish shops.
6. 45% of the Irish population will be conscripted for work in the Wateford Crystal mines. That's right, Waterford Crystal comes from mines.
7. The shortest, stockiest, most ginger section of the Irish population will be selected for genetic experiments to produce an actual race of Leprechauns, thereby encouraging more American tourists to visit the country.
8. In an effort to boost the flagging economy around Shannon airport, half the facility will be sold to the US military for troop transport/ rendition flights. However, in an effort to be fair, and in a rare IMF concession to Ireland's politically self-righteous credentials, the other half of the airfield will be sold to Iran, so that they can strike back at the imperialist pig-dogs in the US with their mighty drone! 

The IMF's Overlord for Ireland - Willem Dafoe

The above will be the result of the current path we are on. Fianna Fail's economic plan is to keep kicking the economic ball into touch every few months, hoping that by the time that it is widely recognised that our economy is FUBARed, they will be out of office. By doing so, they are only increasing the likelihood that the IMF will be brought in, or at the very least, the ECB will take over the running of the country. While the IMF may not engage in all (or indeed, any) of the steps outlined above, we can't rule any of them out! More importantly, however, is the shame we should feel that this Republic, which for so long struggled for independence, is now faced with the prospect of becoming an economic colony yet again - not through the greed or hunger of an external power, but rather through our own incompetence in running our economy. Will the Republican Party ensure the end of Irish independence? Man up, Fianna Fail; cut if you need to cut, tax if you need to tax. Don't leave it to foreigners - if you screwed up, take the political implications on the chin. But whatever happens, don't let this Republic, tiny though it may be, fade from the pages of history.

Vader used to be with the IMF - but he couldn't stomach the cruelty

The Strange Nature of Scottish Nationalism

Liechtenstein's few travelling football fans (if they have any) must have been pretty shocked on Tuesday night when the Scottish fans packing out Hampden Park in Glasgow began booing the tiny monarcy's national anthem. What could have gone through the Alpine-dwellers' minds, one wonders: had Scotland fought a bloody war with the miniscule state that history had entirely forgotten? When Scots refer to the "Auld Enemy", are they actually speaking about Liechtenstein?

In fact, the lads from the Lilliputian land were on the wrong end of a misunderstanding. Unfortunately, Liechtenstein's national anthem has the same tune as "God Save the Queen", and once the first strains of a musical piece more readily associated with the actual "Auld Enemy" began to reverberate around Hampden, the inevitable ensued. Although comic, the incident does highlight the strange nature of Scottish nationalism, and how a nation which has played such a vital role in Britain's rise as an imperial power can still have such a pathological hatred of their, in fact, fellow statesmen, if not fellow countrymen.

The apparent contradictions in Scottish nationalism mount the deeper you get - like Ireland, Scotland plays host to a large number of Loyal Orange Lodges, and has close ties with the Unionist community in Northern Ireland. Yet it is also a nation slowly pushing towards independence, led by the Scottish National Party (SNP) under its leader, Alex Salmond. This same Mr. Salmond can demand Scottish independence as the panacea for the ills of his nation, and those of the wider UK, yet can also decry the British government's decision to merge its Scottish regiments, rather than retaining each as an independent entity.

Looking at the mess we here in Ireland have made of our independence, one does wonder whether any small nation can survive, distinct and apart, under the weight of economic pressures and globalised culture today. If the Scot's ever do get to go it alone, it is well worth them remembering that fiscal responsibility (admittedly, a stereotypically Scottish attribute) is key - after all, the Union with England came about following a disastrous investment in a colonial adventure gone bad.

Meet the New Owners - Part 2: The Chinese

The dragon awakens. All under heaven - tian xia. A Communist state with a capitalist economy. To get rich is glorious. Whether a cat is black or white doesn't matter, so long as it catches mice it's a good cat. The future superpower. The Middle Kingdom. The mountains are high and the emperor is far away.

The above are just some of the many tired clichés about China that I will diligently avoid in this post. The simple fact is this: the United States, the richest nation on earth, has given its wallet to China in exchange for the fleeting pleasure of cheaper consumer goods. China now has America's cash - bags of it (estimated between US$1.75 -1.87 trillion in June 2010). And while Rome's will was enforced by the legions, and Britannia's through the might of the Royal Navy, China will buy your compliance.

Both images property of Bank of China

As a strategy, it is superb in its subtlety and simplicity. Despite the massive expansion in its military budget, China has almost exclusively focussed on the defensive, militarily speaking. Even the much feared DF-21 is, in essence, a defensive weapon - China does not want to take on the US Navy globally with massive carrier battle groups of its own,  it simply wants to keep the US out of what Beijing perceives as its maritime patch, using a (admittedly game-changing) land-launched anti-ship missile. It is with economic force, rather than its military, that Beijing will go on the offensive - and economic offensives tend to be more profitable than military ones.

Seriously, America, it's defensive!

China's involvement in Africa is well-documented (interesting documentary on the topic by Al Jazeera's Witness programme here) and while some would argue this push into the continent is commercially driven rather than politically or diplomatically led, the latter will inevitably follow the former. China is in Africa, in a nutshell, to buy up resources in exchange for hard cash and investment in local infrastructure. I'm fairly certain that, if you were the leader of Zambia, you would listen to the country that was building your roads.

Having already developed a sphere of influence in Africa, both commercial interests and growing diplomatic stature are ensuring that China now looks for new horizons. Its involvement in South America is well underway - a growing presence in Europe is surely inevitable. Only this time, China will be the cash rich  senior member in an investment partnership, rather than merely the hawker of cheap OEM goods to European customers. How can money-savvy China pass up the opportunities that flagging economies in Europe like Spain, Portugal and Greece offer in terms of depreciated assets and the ability to acquire political capital and prestige at bargain basement prices? And if a flagging economy is a big draw for Chinese investors, well, no one flags better than Ireland!

What's more, the usual Irish gombeen approach to business won't work with the People's Republic of China - they know how to play us. Witness the recent promise by Chinese investors to create 1000 jobs in Athlone in a Euro-China business hub. Only catch- those 1000 jobs would be for Chinese immigrants, not the local Irish. The Chinese recognise that Ireland, for the last few years, has focussed almost exclusively on property to the detriment of all other sectors of the economy. And until we can offer them greater incentives than our over-stocked landbanks, the Chinese will only invest in one thing here - land.

Check your wallet, Wen.

That's why, in a rare note of seriousness, this blog is advocating that Ireland proctively grab China's future economic expansion into the EU as the opportunity we need to kick-start our economy, by offering China unique skills that set Ireland apart from our fellow EU members. We have one massive advantage over the rest of the EU for attracting Chinese investment - a little-known fact is that China is an English speaking country, or at least, it is fast on the road to becoming one. As the only English-speaking member of the Eurozone, and as a small, non-threatening nation with no history of imperialism, Ireland is ideally positioned to act as China's partner in Europe. Rather than seeking masses of manufacturing jobs, we need to offer China our knowledge of the EU regulatory environment, our experience of dealing with Brussels, and our ability to network throughout the community, to grow Ireland as the ideal destination for Chinese companies to locate logistics, sales and compliance hubs for their European operations.

Let's see you invade the pitch at Croker now.

 As a solution to our economic woes, its not perfect, and  much work needs to be done - such as beefing up Ireland's paltry representation in China, and introducing Chinese as at least an optional foreign language in schools would be a good start. But as a plan for the future, aiming to be China's gateway to Europe  beats waiting for Ireland's property market to rebound.

Meet the New Owners - Part 1: The Germans

With Irish bond yields having shot through the roof this morning, jumping from  5.744% to 6.046% and still climbing (BTW - I used a Bloomberg link; I feel so grown up!), I thought now would be a good time to look at Ireland's  various and many new potential owners. Today we start with the leading candidates to reposses this misty land, the Germans:

The Germans

Your debts are how big?

First, let me say that I will resist all the obvious puns and jokes- no talk of Reichs, or panzers, or blitzkriegs; not even as metaphors. In truth, the Germans today are frankly the polar opposite of the taciturn, expansionist, martial image much mocked by 1960's British sit-coms. The 21st century German is highly reluctant to engage in armed foreign adventures, and when they do; well let's just say they no longer display that hard Prussian backbone - they are, after all, the only army whose soldiers have actually gained weight in Afghanistan.

No, today's German is more interested in saving than in sallying forth - and that's where their power lies. While we in Ireland were splurging the cash, using Lamborghinis as garden sheds, burning Manolo Blahniks as a cheap energy source, or occasionally filling our pools, Scrooge McDuck style, with gold coins, Angela was saving - like the cold, calculating monster she is!

What sort of people are these Germans, I wonder, who save in times of plenty rather than engaging in perfectly healthy cash bathing? What sort of inhuman automatons display such disturbing levels of responsibility and forward planning? Look at you there, smug and secure with your steins of beer and low bond-yields:

Who's laughing now, Ireland?

Well we, the proud people of Ireland will accept your help, Germany, but I hope you realise how lucky you are, being given a very important part in the Irish economic miracle. I hope you realise that you're the ones who will benefit in the long run, being able to tap into such dynamic sectors of the Irish economy as building and property development. I bet your Siemens and your Kuehne & Nagel and your Puma's look pretty pathetic now, right, next to the might of heroes like Bernard McNamara and Sean Dunne.

Eh, sorry, what was that Angela? You might not actually give us any money?

Ah, well now, Angela, let's not be hasty! I'm sure Ireland has a lot to offer Germany, em, you know, economically like - the billions of Euro you give us, and the political fall-out for you among the German voters: I'm sure it will be well worth it!

No?

Ok, Angela you want to play hardball? Fine! - if Ireland goes down, we bring the Euro with us, possibly fatally wounding European integration - and that will mean you Germans have wasted the last 50 years on a European project that went nowhere. So you have no choice, Angela, you have to help us!

That's right Germans - your savings are going to be paying my pension!

Woo-hoo! The weakest link - sweetest spot on the chain!

But yes, we know Germany - you told us so!

Biffo - Man of Action

The 17th of July 2010 - one week into the Dail summer recess, and the country is slowly drifting into disaster. The banking crisis is continuing to eat away at Ireland's credibility, Senator Ivor Callely is giving the fingers to the Irish public, and, in yet another small sign of how screwed Ireland truly is, Zurich Insurance announces it has set aside €256 million to meet potential losses arising from its commercial property loans in Britain and Ireland.

Where, you might wonder, were our dear leaders at this time, on this exact day? Was Biffo and the other superheroes in the League of Incompetency making the most of the break from the daily business of the legislature, using this space and time to draw up a world-beating plan of action to put Ireland back on the road to economic growth? Was Biffo on the phone to Sarko or Angela, begging for more money, "just a little more time, I swear Ireland is good for it, I swear!"? Was he, in a last roll of the dice to save Ireland's skin, invoking the Almighty with a whirlwind pilgrimage to Knock, Mecca, the Western Wall and Mount Kailash?

No.

He was opening a GP clinic in Belmullet, Co. Mayo.

FFS.

I have spent much time near Belmullet: my own family hails from near there, and I think much of the area, Erris. It is a beautiful destination, an ideal location for a relaxing break. But, much though I love it, Belmullet does not require a Head of Government to open its local GP Practice.

What's truly galling is that, at a time when the country was falling apart, Brian Cowen didn't even have the good grace to goof off and go on holidays. No, he took what he probably, laughably, believed was a "working holiday". He prioritised the needs of a single local area, no doubt to support a local FF candidate, over the demands of the nation. He thinks this is his job, to travel around the country, opening small businesses (which is what a GP practice is, remember), and shaking hands with the locals.

Mr.Cowen, that is not your job. Your job is running the country. Might I suggest you do it.

And if you have the time to open GP clinics, or off-licences, or pubs during your holidays, then you are obviously not working hard enough during the rest of the year.

Blair and Eggs - the "Look at Me!" Nature of Irish Protests

Never fear, latte-drinking people of the free world! We, the upright, decent and generally perfect people of Ireland know how you have been living in fear, trembling in your beds at night at the thought that the known war-criminal, Tony Blair, has been traipsing the streets, looking for more foreign places to invade, and to promote his recent book. When we learned that this ogrish monster was about to visit Ireland, we hatched a cunning plan to stop him in his tracks, using our secret weapon-

Citizen's Arrest!

Now, some of you may have doubted the dedication of the Irish protesting class to taking this evil creature down; some have even pointed out, ludicrously, that Ireland should in fact be grateful to Blair, what with him playing a key role in bringing a working peace to Northern Ireland. However, as we all know, Bertie Ahern was the real hero of the Northern Peace Process (it even says so in his autobiography, and that man never told a lie in his life) and the British Government had little to do with it. Even if they do govern Northern Ireland. And provide the bulk of the funding to support the ongoing efforts to encourage peace. And pick up the tab for security measures. And even if they had to take the morally difficult step of sitting down with the IRA.

No, the dreadlocked, Che Guevara t-shirt wearing warriors of the outraged Irish Left will see Blair off. Armed with eggs and shoes, and the somewhat dubious legal tool of a citizen's arrest, they will bring this foul man to justice. Ireland has had to take matters into his own hands - as Blair has not been arrested, stripped and sent to the stocks in the UK, we must only assume that this is because Britain's several centuries of consitutional and legal development are not up to the task, even if it is the home of the Common Law legal system. Any suggestion that Blair has not been sent to prison because he may not actually be a criminal is clearly ridiculous.

So committed are Ireland's brave heroes of the left that they have temporarily halted the perpetual protest at the Israeli embassy (against, you know, like, Israel's war crimes and stuff) to concentrate entirely on booing Tony Blair and chanting poorly rhyming phrases at him. The protestors have even cancelled the protest at the Iranian embassy against the stoning of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani for adultery ... oh no, sorry! There's never actually been a protest at the Iranian embassy over this. Well, in fairness, that just wouldn't get media attention, now would it? No Sky News reports for the Socialist Workers' Party there, are there?

Video of our heroes in action below:

The €1 House - Why Sticking Our Head in the Sand is a National Pastime

Much has been written on the Irish obsession with property, and how difficult it has now become for us to wean ourselves from the smack-like pull of planning permissions, buy-to-lets and doer-uppers. However, if the delusional madness of the early noughties bricks and mortar addiction was disturbing, I find our failure to recognise how expensive property is inherently a bad thing even more worrying for the nation's collective state of mind. Ireland is now the equivalent of the junkie on enforced cold-turkey; nauseous, sweating and shivering, but still refusing to recognise that his addiction to drugs has brought him to this point.

The best illustration of this comes today in the story of the €1 house in Moylough, Co. Galway. From the outset, owner Michael Dempsey should be lauded for facing up to the fact that he has to sell the house at a considerable loss, and that he can only get what people are willing to pay for it (quite possibly nothing in today's environment). Nonetheless, Mr. Dempsey's comments do betray some of the psychoses that still plague us when it comes to recognising how the property market (or indeed any market) actually works - and that disengagement from reality is only hampering Ireland's efforts to get its economy back on track.

Mr. Dempsey "built the bungalow partly as a hobby and partly to provide himself with an income in retirement" - so he was an investor. This was not a house to live in, this was a house to make money from. Yet, in the radio coverage of this case at least, Mr. Dempsey has certainly earned considerable sympathy, as if he is the victim of some evil capitalist plot. Such victimhood is underlined by his claim that

"When I decided to build it banks were giving out money all over the place. I went in at one stage looking for e25,000 and came out with €50,000.
"They ended up lending me 10 times my income, but it seems they were doing that to everyone."

Now, I feel sorry for Mr. Dempsey, as a substantial investment of his has gone bad. But personal responsibility requires that he face up to the fact that building this house was his decision - the bank manager didn't put a gun to his head and force him to take the money. And while Mr. Dempsey, at least, while griping about the banks is acting now in a responsible manner -i.e. trying to sell the house for whatever he can get - many Irish people cannot face up to the fact that housing is an investment; you cannot blame the banks for your poor choice.

No one should lose their home - but there equally should be no bail-out for those who are merely in negative equity. If they can service the mortgage, then they can continue living in the house - no problem. They do not need support because they have lost money on their investment - just as if they would not be handing the state a share of their profits had the investment made a return.

We need to move away from the idea that property prices now are unusual - the prices of the boom period were freakish, not normal. Houses are now approaching what they are actually worth. And trying to artificially re-inflate the bubble through schemes like NAMA, or through talk of a deal for those in "negative equity", is merely putting a massively over-inflated cost base under productive and necessary industries in the export sector - the sector that will get Ireland out of this hole. Cheaper housing will help lead to a more cost-effective economy, allowing us to compete in the international economy.

Taking Over the Asylum

Following on from an earlier post, if the people of Monaghan need proof of their great town's ability to provide new and innovative political solutions to grave injustices, they need only look back to 1919, when Monaghan Lunatic Asylum established the first Soviet in Ireland.

Admittedly, Soviets would not be my chosen challenge to a stagnant and ineffective establishment, and the fact that this radical venture was launched in the local lunatic asylum does sound like the beginning of a bad joke. But the incident does, if nothing else, highlight how Irish people were once unafraid to challenge the political orthodoxy, and truly ask whether those in power deserved to be there. The Daily Mail, from April 2010, has more details

"THE first soviet in Ireland was indeed set up at Monaghan Lunatic Asylum in February 1919 by staff protesting against their long hours - an incredible 93 hours per week - and a wage rise that had been promised by management but hadn't materialised.

Staff in the asylum were organised by Peadar O'Donnell Peadar O'Donnell (Irish: Peadar Ó Domhnaill; 22 February 1893 – 13 May 1986) was an Irish Republican socialist, Marxist activist and writer.
..... Click the link for more information., who was a leading organiser for the Irish Transport and General Workers Union.

O'Donnell, who came from Dungloe, Co. Donegal, had a varied and colourful career - a trade union activist who later became sympathetic to the IRA, and ultimately became renowned writer.

The workers organised their soviet on the Russian model and ran up the red flag over the hospital. The workers, incidentally, were enthusiastically supported by the inmates of the asylum. Despite the hospital being surrounded by policemen and soldiers, the strikers refused to give in. After some days, management caved in to their demands, but they refused to give the same pay rise to women workers, so the soviet continued until the women won the same improvements in their wages and conditions.

Although the Monaghan soviet closed down, it was only the first such protest across the country. During 1918 and 1919, a wave of strikes hit the country. Some of these strikes turned into soviets, where workers attempted to emulate the style and organisation of the Russian revolution."

Along with the more famous Limerick Soviet, and the fervent developments occuring across the Irish political spectrum at the time, from militant Republicanism, through cultural Nationalism to armed Unionism, the second decade of the 20th century clearly witnessed vast tracks of the population thinking about the issues of the day, and becoming involved in activism to bring about the Ireland that they envisioned. The question is, what happened?

I have blogged before on the numerous attempts to launch a new force in Irish politics, and how these efforts meet with little encouragement from the general populace. Indeed, even mainstream Irish politics is something of a minority sport. The sad, simple truth is that the Irish have stopped caring about politics - they complain, they give out, but they do nothing to effect change. You get the impression that if our struggle for independence was happening today, the Empire wouldn't need to rely on the Black and Tans - so long as the Premiership and Big Brother were on 24/7, the Irish would stay good and compliant.